In Bed with Jocasta by Richard Glover

Author:Richard Glover [Glover, Richard]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-7304-9429-4
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Published: 2000-08-02T16:00:00+00:00

Rules of Life

There are many scientific rules that affect ordinary life, so isn’t it time we collected the most significant dozen?

Rule 1: The uglier the couch, the more comfort it provides

One of the great, overriding laws of the universe, right up there with E = mc2. Sink into a truly ugly couch, and instantly you feel the difference: the comforting orange velour covering; the low-slung sprawl of its cushions; the groaning springs which bow to your superior weight. The truly fashionable, meanwhile, find themselves perched aboard something sleek and Italian, the upholstery so taut it could repel bullets.

Even in city restaurants, this law works its magic. Hence the sub-law: the more expensive the restaurant, the less comfortable the chairs. Oh, for a top-notch eatery fitted out with vinyl-upholstered booths.

Rule 2: The more hideous the sock, the more likely it is to last forever

I spend half my life buying pairs of stylish cotton business socks. Within weeks, only one of them is left, the other is missing in action or full of holes. But here is a curious fact: ugly, nylon socks never leave you. Make a rash purchasing error in 1977 — something nylon, something tartan, something perhaps with writing on it — and there it will be twenty years on, winking at you from your sock drawer, demanding to be worn to work every Friday, when all other contenders are gone.

Rule 3: A spoon, placed at random on a kitchen sink, will automatically position itself under the tap

Who knows why, but turn on the tap at full blast and every spoon within 50 metres will have positioned itself beneath the torrent. The effect: a wide-arching spray of scalding water all over the washer-up.

Rule 4: With processed food, hope springs eternal

The frozen lasagne. The microwavable pizza. The dried pasta product: ‘Just add water and you’ve got Spaghetti Carbonara that a restaurant would serve.’ So many products, so many promises — and so many bitter disappointments.

Yet how quickly we forget. My hand pauses at the supermarket freezer, hovering over the frozen Meat Pie and Vegetables Family Dinner. How bad can it be? Two hours later we eat, and discover the answer: very bad indeed. But, somehow, the next week Jocasta and I are back, behind the trolley, lingering at the freezers. We’re like Adam and Eve — before that first bite of Frozen Apple Pie Surprise, innocent in the face of experience: ‘I mean, how bad … ‘

Rule 5: Men are genetically incapable of reading a recipe to the end before they start cooking

This explains why, when waiting at the dining table for a gentleman host to serve his meal, guests will often hear a scream of rage at about 8.00 p.m. It marks the moment he has turned over the cookbook’s page and seen for the first time: ‘Step 4, simmer gently for six hours.’

Rule 6: The comfort and contentment of any baby is in inverse proportion to that of the adult holding it

Only when you are standing on one leg, leaning to the left and rocking backwards will a baby consider stopping crying.

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